I read with interest a newspaper article about a woman struggling with her role as an “unpaid therapist for men who cannot handle their emotions.”
Research by men's mental health charity Movember found that a third of men do not have a friend they can confide in and half feel unable to talk to a friend and instead choose to completely address their emotional needs. They answered that they depend on their partners. This became known as “emotional labor,'' in which women shouldered men's problems.
If I read it out loud to my husband, he would dismiss it as boring. I guess so too.
In all the years we've been together, which is a long time, never once has he pushed his worries or problems onto me.
I really hope he does. I wish he could tell me when he's sick or something bad happened at work, but he keeps it all locked away. “That's what they teach you at boarding school,” he says by way of explanation.
That's understandable, but it's really frustrating when something bad happens and they don't say anything.
He didn't even tell me when I could barely see in one eye. I noticed that he was turning his head to one side a little more than usual to try to see things. “What's wrong?” I asked.
“You can’t see those eyes,” he told me.
This is a man who regularly cycles to work along the busy Ring Road. Of course I was furious and demanded that I call the optician. Within a month he had cataract surgery on his eye, and six weeks later he had the same surgery on his “good” eye, which turned out to be no better at all. He is thrilled with the results.
“Please let me know if you need anything again,'' I often say. He says he will, but he doesn't.
In my experience, it's not saying much, but it's saying enough. Men don't talk. My friends say the same thing. They don't reveal their problems to the public. “You’re an emotional desert,” I once said to my husband in frustration.
Women on the other hand…my husband needs a medal. A bright, shiny, 24-karat gold thing that made me listen to him. His second job is as an unpaid therapist for me. From the moment he gets home from work until the moment he goes to bed, I keep bombarding him with a never-ending list of my problems. I have one big problem right now that seems insurmountable, and he listens to my constant gushing words, makes constructive comments, and just throws the odd tantrum.
If men were to burden women with their troubles, as we do with women, life would continue to be a cycle of stress.
Instead of opening up about their problems, men are notorious for keeping quiet. They take shelter in sheds, man caves, and in my husband's case, the garden. “You should live there,” I often say. Perhaps this is his way of temporarily relieving himself of his role as the aunt in distress.
Men are known for stuffing things. You will be encouraged to talk more. Many towns and cities have special clubs like Men's Sheds where you can meet and chat with other men.
Men have never been known for complaining endlessly about women.
But they should be more open. A lot more. It would be nice if you could ask about your husband's concerns – that would also help with your score. Right now, he's not watching.
